"Miscellaneous Verses; Or, Reflections on the State of my Mind during my first Convictions of the Necessity of believing the Truth, and of experiencing the inestimable Benefits of Christianity"Well may I say my life has been
One scene of sorrow and of pain; From early days I griefs have known, And as I grew my griefs have grown: Dangers were always in my path; And fear of wrath, and sometimes death; While pale dejection in me reign'd I often wept, by grief constrained. When taken from my native land, By an unjust and cruel band, How did uncommon dread prevail! My sighs no more I could conceal. To ease my mind I often strove, And tried my trouble to remove: I sung, and utter'd sighs between-- Assay'd to stifle guilt with sin. But O' not all that I could do Would stop the current of my woe; Conviction still my vileness shew'd; How great my guilt—how lost to good! ' Prevented, that I could not die, ' Nor could to one sure refuge fly; ' An orphan state I had to mourn,-- ' Forsook by all, and left forlorn.' Those who beheld my downcast mein, Could not guess at my woes unseen: They by appearance could not know The troubles that I waded through. Lust, anger, blasphemy, and pride, With legions of such ills beside, ' Troubled my thoughts,' while doubts and fears Clouded and darken'd most my years. 'Sighs now no more would be confin'd-- ' They breath'd the trouble of my mind:' I wish'd for death, but check'd the word, And often pray'd unto the Lord. Unhappy, more than some on earth, I thought the place that gave me birth-- Strange thoughts oppress'd—while I replied " Why not in Ethiopia died?" And why thus spar'd when nigh to hell?-- God only knew—I could not tell! ' A tott ring fence a bowing wall,' ' I thought myself ere since the fall.' Oft times I mus'd, and nigh despair, While birds melodious fill'd the air: ' Thrice happy songsters, ever free,' How blest were they, compared to me! Thus all things added to my pain, While grief compell'd me to complain; When sable clouds began to rise My mind grew darker than the skies. The English nation call'd to leave, How did my breast with sorrows heave! I long'd for rest—cried "Help me, Lord! " Some mitigation, Lord, afford!" Yet on, dejected, still I went-- Heart-throbbing woes within me pent; Nor land, nor sea, could comfort give, Nor aught my anxious mind relieve. Weary with troubles yet unknown To all but God and self alone, Numerous months for peace I strove, Numerous foes I had to prove. Inur'd to dangers, griefs, and woes, Train'd up midst perils, death, and foes, said, "Must it thus ever be?-- " No quiet is permitted me." Hard hap, and more than heavy lot! I pray'd to God "Forget me not-- " What thou ordain'st help me to bear; " But O! deliver from despair!" Strivings and wrestling seem'd in vain; Nothing I did could ease my pain: Then gave I up my work and will, Consess'd and own'd my doom was hell! Like some poor pris'ner at the bar, Conscious of guilt, of sin and fear, Arraign'd, and self-condemn'd, I stood-- ' Lost in the world and in my blood!' Yet here, 'midst blackest clouds confin'd, A beam from Christ, the day-star shin'd; Surely, thought I, if Jesus please, He can at once sign my release. I, ignorant of his righteousness, Set up my labours in its place; ' Forgot for why his blood was shed, ' And pray'd and fasted in its stead.' He dy'd for sinners—I am one! Might not his blood for me atone? Tho' I am nothing else but sin, Yet surely he can make me clean! Thus light came in, and I believ'd; Myself forgot, and help receiv'd! My Saviour then I know I found, For, eased from guilt no more I groan'd. O, happy hour, in which I ceas'd To mourn, for then I found a rest! My soul and Christ were now as one-- Thy light, O Jesus, in me shone! Bless'd be thy name, for now I know I and my works can nothing do; " The Lord alone can ransom man-- " For this the spotless Lamb was slain!" When sacrifices, works, and pray'r, Prov'd vain, and ineffectual were, " Lo, then I come!" the Savior cry'd, And bleeding, bow'd his head and dy'd! He dy'd for all who ever saw No help in them, nor by the law:-- I this have seen; and gladly own " Salvation is by Christ alone!" -From Chapter X of Equiano's Autobiography |
How Equiano's Works Influenced
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